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Astro-Turf: Read your football horoscope

Aries
21st March – 21st April
If you were born under the sign of the ram, you are likely to play with an uncompromising, combative style typified by Taribo West (26/3/74), one of the strongest footballers around – and guilty of some of the worst fouls ever. Indeed, foul play seems to be a trait associated with Aries as Paul Bosvelt (26/3/70) will always be remembered for his assault on Dennis Irwin. You are likely to be something of an odd-ball off the pitch too – notorious mad-man Edmundo (2/4/71) combines on-field violence with off-field antics that have earnt him the nickname ‘O Animal’ and a lengthy jail sentence. He also has a dubious relationship with a monkey. NB: Arians are no more likely to be Derby supporters than anyone else.
Taurus
21st April – 20th May
Taurus born footballers are often blessed with bundles of natural football ability but have to cope with a high public profile and intense media interest, which can make them somewhat vain like hair-style guinea-pig David Beckham (2/5/75), or pretentious like Johan Cruyff (25/4/47), who took to referring to himself in the third person. However, Dion Dublin (22/4/69) has never been accused of being pretentious.
Gemini
21st May – 21st June
Gemini – the twins – inevitably produces footballers with a split personality. Usually a ridiculous amount of raw talent is combined with with a colourful, but violent personality. Eric Cantona (24/5/66) is a prime example. Peerless on the pitch, he had an alarming tendency to to suddenly snap in the heat of the moment and strike out against his enemies, whereas, away from the game he is a calm and reflective poet, philosopher, actor and artist. Two more superstars with a Jekyll and Hyde personality are Paul Gascoigne (27/5/67) and George Best (22/5/46). Their Gemini traits made them the most talented young players of their generation, but off the field their lives followed an eerily similar pattern of alcoholism and wife-beating.
Cancer
22nd June – 22nd July
A cancer on the game? Perhaps, perhaps not, but Paulo Di Canio (9/7/68) and Patrick Vieira (23/6/76) have demonstrated the sort of consistent disciplinary problems that the authorities are keen to stamp out. Di Canio’s infamous push on referee Paul Alcock earnt him an lengthy ban and Vieira has his own parking space at FA headquarters for his regular disciplinary hearings. Those born under cancer pick up more than their fair share of red and yellow cards.
Leo
23rd July – 23rd August
It’s difficult to define the typical Leo player. They really are a mixed bunch but most have the characteristics of being fiercely competitive and highly influential. Roy Keane (10/8/71) is a prime example, as is Paraguay’s Jose Luis Chilavert (27/7/65). Leo’s are likely to divide opinion in the dressing-room but can often be inspired leaders and are more likely than most to be made captain. Even Gary Mabbutt (23/08/61), despite his regular own-goals, became Tottenham captain.
Virgo
24th August – 22nd September
Precious few footballers were born under the sign of Virgo – it doesn’t bestow much in the way of football ability upon its children. Interestingly, however, it does produce some top class goalkeepers and the trait of longevity. David Seaman (19/9/63) and Peter Shilton (18/9/49) guarded the England net admirably for years on end, but both carried on until they were well past their prime rather than bowing out gracefully at the top.
Libra
23rd September – 23rd October
Another star sign that is hard to define. Pele (23/10/40), the greatest player of all time, is a Libra so there must be a certain gift for football associated with the celestial scales. However, Libra does seem to have a nasty habit of producing really annoying people. Arsene Wenger (22/10/49) and Robbie Savage (18/10/74) are just two of them.
Scorpio
24th October – 22nd November
Scorpios are likely to burst on to the scene at a really young age, displaying a football maturity beyond their tender years. Wayne Rooney (24/10/85) and Alessandro Del Piero (9/11/74) are two such ‘boy wonders’. Diego Maradona (30/10/60) was another, but of course, it all went wrong for the stocky Argentinian who forgot not to turn up for his drugs test at the 1994 World Cup. Forgetfulness must be a Scorpio trait because Rio Ferdinand (7/11/78) is as absent minded as they come.
Sagittarius
23rd November – 21st December
Half-man half-horse, the equine archer is obviously good at shooting, having produced both Gary Lineker (30/11/60) and Michael Owen (14/12/79), two of England’s greatest centaur-forwards. Quick and lethal from close range, Sagittarians also appear to be clean-living, down to earth individuals who avoid controversy.
Capricorn
22nd December – 19th January
Capricorns aren’t likely to display much talent for the game of football, but the star sign has produced a whole host of people who have forged a good career in the game despite an apparent lack of ability. Vinny Jones (5/1/65) was totally useless but made his name for kicking opponents rather than the ball, and Alex Ferguson (31/12/41) was not the greatest player by all accounts, but has created a vast football empire. Emile Heskey (11/1/78) is also rubbish.
Aquarius
20th January – 18th February
Aquarians seem to be quitters when it comes to football. Kevin Keegan (14/2/51) is renowned for running away when the going gets tough, but not being afraid to be honest about it. Stan Collymore (22/1/71) has quit more clubs than most, often acrimoniously. He’s been with nine different teams and famously quit Ulrika Johnson in dramatic fashion too. Keegan and Collymore were wonderfully talented, and Bulgarian Hristo Stoichkov (8/2/66) confirms that Aquarians are natural footballers, if somewhat erratic.
Pisces
19th February – 20th March
The fish – or Mark Fish (14/3/74) is the most appropriately named Piscean. Pisceans are not superstars, but they are often dependable run-of-the-mill, journeyman, professionals. Unfortunately, they may be more susceptible than most to injury problems as Darren Anderton (3/3/72) demonstrates. Sepp Blatter (10/3/36) is also a Piscean, so perhaps they show an aptitude for administration, far-fetched ideas and megalomania.
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