'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a visiting uncle to seven-year-old Johnny. 'What position do you play?' 'I'm not sure,' answered the boy, 'but I think I heard teacher say that I was the team's main drawback.'
During the winter of 1946/47, two northern teams turned out for a Boxing Day match. The weather was atrocious. From the touchline the pitch was hardly visible at all - it had been raining, with sleet and hail, for about three days, but the rising temperature had turned the ground into a sea of mud and water. Added to this was a strong wind blowing diagonally across the field. The two captains looked at each other glumly. 'Well,' said the one who had just lost the toss, 'which end would you like?' 'I think we'll play with the tide,' said the other.
David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. 'What's that for ?' he says. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the salesman. Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' he says. 'You ought to take it to work,' she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day. 'What've you got there, son?' asks Sir Alex. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says David. 'That's a good idea,' says the manager. 'What have you got in it?' 'Coffee,' says David. 'And some ice cream.'
'Heskey,' said the coach angrily after a
disastrous match, 'your playing was lousy. You're a disgrace to the team.'
'Don't listen to him, Emile,' said a team-mate, trying to be encouraging. 'He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says.'
A man was being interviewed on television after winning £1,000,000 on the football pools. 'What are you going to do with all that money asked the interviewer?' 'I'm going to spend the first £250,000 on wines, spirits and beer,' said the winner cheerfully, 'and the second £250,000 on horses, dogs and cards.' 'I see,' said the interviewer, somewhat taken aback. 'And then,' continued the winner, 'I shall spend £250,000 on women and loose living generally.' 'Quite, quite,' the interviewer interrupted hurriedly. 'And what will you do with the remaining £250,000?' 'Oh, I'll probably just fritter that away,' he replied.
Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie.
'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked.
'I go to the football match,' replied the child.
'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?'
'I go to Sunday School.'
'And which do you like best?'
'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!'
Did you hear about the Scotsman who went down
to Wembley for an international match between Scotland and England? When he
returned home, one of his mates said, 'Was it a big gate, Jock?'
'It was that,' he replied. 'One of the biggest I've ever had to climb over.'
A team representing England was visiting
Romania on an international tour. Their first evening was free and one player
decided to take a walk around Bucharest. He was enjoying a drink in a small bar
when a very attractive local girl came and sat down opposite him.
'Hello,' he said, 'Do you understand English?'
'Only a leetle bit,' replied the girl.
'How much?' asked the footballer.
'Twenty dollars,' she replied.
In a small town in Northern Ireland, the
local Catholic team were about to take the field against the local Protestant
team. 'Remember, lads,' said the coach, 'if you can't kick the ball, kick the
player's shins, and if you can't kick his shins, trip him and kick his head.
Now, as soon as we find the ball we'll kick off.'
'Never mind the ball,' said a voice from the back. 'Let's get on with the game.'
It was the local supporters' club annual
dance. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without
tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
The goalkeeper of a works football team had
just let in his hundredth goal of the season. As the team was leaving the ground
after the match, he said cheerfully, 'Has anyone got ten pence for the phone - I
want to call a friend.'
'Here's twenty pence,' said a team-mate. 'Call all your friends'.
Here's a link to all the lawyer jokes you'll ever need.